DIY

Moving!

Soooooooooooo…………..

We moved. 

Whaaaat?!?

Yeah. Turns out global warming is basically turning Florida into a 24hr sauna with extra mosquitoes included, free of charge. Plus, it’s probably going to be completely underwater in 50 years anyway. 

But how can you trade this:

For this:

????

Easy. I never go to the beach. Look at all those tourists. In fact, the climate hardly concerns me at all since I am what you would call, indoorsy. 

Look at that pale pale skin. Porcelain. Mua. 

Who knows? Maybe I’ll even find something worth while to go outside for. I’m hardly ever around mountains, so they might offer some fun. I hear you can climb them, and then slide down? I don’t know. Adventure!

What about Burkatic, you ask? No need to fret, this is still a thing. I am still ironing out how to launch (is it a brand? Is it a show? Is it a vlog? Is it a store? Yes?), but rest assured, I am definitely overthinking it. 

Honestly, I have no idea what I am so hung up on. This is literally THE best time to follow the advice,  “Just be yourself!”

So I promise to stop thinking so hard and get some freaking content out. 
I just want it to be fun and authentic. I have been struggling to get content out because I was pressuring myself to be “mass marketable” – and that is just not me. So, not sorry, it’s going to be messy. It’s going to be loud. And it’s going to be fulfilling for me…. If other people like it that’s just a bonus. 😘 

The decision was also preceded by many factors that made this opportunity the most attractive option, so here’s a really depressing list of them all! (skip if you don’t like pity parties but do like self reflection and inspiring turn arounds):

1) Can’t afford to go to college, when every job requires a degree for any level of respect. 

2) Can’t find a job that recognizes my skills and pays to match it

3) Finding the most promising job for me, literally ever any where, but now we are dependent on this source of income for fear of not being able to find anything as good, let alone better

4) Being the main breadwinner while my husband tries to find promising work in a job drought 

5) Work life balance so out of whack trying to prove myself worthy to move forward, and advancing in a way that feels like a blessing, but eventually leading to constant questioning of my ability to do anything right

6) Company culture decaying at an alarming rate, turning from a family to several elite and exclusive clubs 

7) Tying my worth to my productivity in society 

8) Tying my productivity to my income and what I support with my money 

9) Feeling like I need to find ways to monetize my life as my only option to make more money and afford the life I want to live and the causes I want to support 

10) Turning my hobby into a chore because it’s a waste to make something and not gain dual returns on it by not recording it somehow

11) Failing at budgeting due to emotional spending and income fluctuations and late fees 

12) Feeling like the mental and physical and financial health of our whole little family was all on my shoulders and I was failing so badly at taking care of it

13) Feeling guilty for buying literally anything, including groceries, because I should be saving every penny to get out of debt

14) Feeling disconnected from God with my broken spirit

15) Feeling isolated from my friends for not being able to afford to go out with them or afford an apartment big enough to invite people over

16) Feeling trapped in this tiny apartment that was designed like a box

17) Saying I want a family and yet not getting better at being a responsible adult due to no motivation due to low expectations of self and people around me 

18) Feeling angry at myself for being such a sad fragile sack of emotional soup

19) Feeling like there’s no escape from this hot swamp because we can’t afford to gamble on a new place where we probably won’t find jobs and will be too far from family to get help if we need it, which we did need, all the time 

Ok, list over, now into the self reflection!

There were many days I would just lay around, thinking about my life and what was I doing with it. I would go over and over every mistake I could remember, every time I wronged someone, every decision I made and what if I had made a different one. Sometimes I would drown my thoughts out with media, and it worked pretty well, but sometimes there were the rare occasions I could go a step further and forget entirely: parties. If I could just be around people and drink, I was happiest. It was the ultimate escape. And of course I was irresponsible about it, making it necessary to limit the experiences further. 

It came down to the last straw when my husband was laid off from the very same basket I had put all my eggs – the place I had worked for 6 years, the place that had literally just hired him. After that, I felt like we were sentenced to a life of mediocrity, our existence making no difference in the world, just cogs in a machine, doomed to uselessness and irrelevancy. 

This is when I decided to file for bankruptcy.

After that we just started leaving everything. We left our apartment, we left (temporarily) our dogs, we left a lot of our possessions, we left every idea of what we thought our lives would be like behind.

It was scary. It was lonely. We had been living off and on my credit cards for a while trying to get back on our feet, and it was hard to talk about with people. It’s not exactly casual conversation material! But in the end it was the only thing I could do to create a catalyst for change in our lives – leaving my debt and subsequently my credit behind. It gave us a chance to start over, and I am not embarrassed to talk about it. 

And then, a miracle happened. Generous friends of my husband, in another state, opened up their beautiful home to let us start over there. We were Utah bound.

But here’s the thing. Just because we left the state didn’t mean I could just as easily leave all that emotional baggage there too.

Next comes letting go of most of my possessions I spent that poorly budgeted money on and I had been counting on at least getting a justifiable lifespan out of so it didn’t feel like that big of a waste.

Next comes the brutal truth of who out of the people you care about would actually miss you when you have already been struggling with feeling wanted around by your family and friends.

Next comes collapsing under all your insecurities in an unfamiliar place in front of new people you are terrified of hanging your hopes and dreams on after relying on yourself and, to be fair, your own family for so long. Next comes fighting through all this fear and all this anger and all this sadness without your family and best friends a conceptual arm’s length away. 

But I am doing it.

I am not graceful at it, I am not getting consistently and steadily better at it, and I’m not going to pretend that I am done going through it. It will be a journey that I will share here, because struggles are worth the trouble if you can help someone with stories of how you overcame. 

My moments of healing…

… when I focus on the friends that DO make me feel valued and missed… When I put myself out there to befriend new people… When I appreciate what I have learned from my past and let their lessons wash over me, loving who they have made me to be… When I appreciate my moments of self indulgence and not berate myself for them – I am finding that I am more motivated to be productive when I view these moments as treats and not failures. 

I actually forgot about this a few years ago, but I rediscovered it recently and I realized I hadn’t given love to myself in quite some time. I have this weird thing I started when I was in high school. I created a second Facebook account so I could be in a relationship with myself. It is so extra, over the top, but it was a really good tool to express self love. It gave me a way to treat my negative feelings like a separate self, and I could give myself the support I needed from a friend’s perspective. It wasn’t like, “I wish someone would say this to me”, but in fact it was what I needed to say to my emotions to remind myself to be my own ally.

I have since re-adopted this method for a bit to get reacquainted with the feeling of being my own friend. 

Every good story has a moral, if you ask me. So I will leave you with 4: recognize your true friends, say yes to upwards opportunities, don’t regret anything – just learn from everything, and be your own ally.

And remember, you can make something out of anything ❤

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